Session 3, 2012: "To Inspire Love: A Return to Modesty"

To Inspire Love: A Return to Modesty

EDWARD P. SRI

Does it really matter what a woman chooses to wear?

The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love

In our post-sexual-revolution world, skimpy dresses, mini-skirts, tiny bikinis, low -rise pants, and low-cut shirts have become part of the mainstream attire for women today. And anyone who might raise questions about the appropriateness of such dress is viewed as "rigid," "old fashioned," or "out of touch" with modern style. Modesty is no longer a part of our culture's vocabulary. Though most people sense they wouldn't want their own daughters dressing like Madonna and Britney Spears, few have the courage to bring up the topic of modesty, and even fewer know what to say if they did.

John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — in his book Love and Responsibility, offers much needed wisdom on the nature of modesty and how dressing modestly is crucial for strengthening our relationships with the opposite sex.

The Experience of Shame

Wojtyla begins his treatment on modesty with an explanation of a common human experience: shame. Shame involves a tendency to conceal something — not just bad things, such as sins, weaknesses, and embarrassing moments, but also good things that we desire to keep from coming out in the open. For example, someone who performs a good deed may prefer that his action go unnoticed. If he is complemented publicly, he may feel embarrassed, not because he did something bad, but because he did not want to draw attention to his deed. Similarly, a student who receives high marks on an exam may feel embarrassed when the teacher praises her in front of the whole class, since she wished to share her good grade only with her closest friends and family. There are many good things that we wish to keep hidden from public eyes, and we feel shame if they are brought out into the open.

This helps us understand one of the most powerful experiences of shame: sexual shame. Why do human persons tend to conceal body parts associated with sexuality? Why do men and women instinctively cover themselves quickly if someone of the opposite sex accidentally walks in on them while they are changing their clothes or going to the bathroom? Wojtyla explains that this tendency to conceal those parts of the body that make it male or female is itself not the essence of shame, but a manifestation of a deeper tendency to conceal the sexual values themselves, "particularly in so far as they constitute in the mind of a particular person 'a potential object of enjoyment' for persons of the other sex" (p. 176).

For example, a woman may instinctively sense that if certain parts of her body are exposed, a man might view her merely for her sexual values as an object of pleasure. Indeed, those particular parts of her body reveal her sexual values so powerfully that a man can be drawn primarily not to her true value as a person, but to her sexual values which give him sensual pleasure in his glances and imagination.

That is why we tend to veil the sexual values connected with particular parts of the body — not because they are bad, but because they can overshadow the greater value of the person. Wojtyla thus says sexual shame is "a natural form of self-defense for the person" (p. 182). It helps prevent the person from being treated as an object of enjoyment. Thus, the concealing of sexual values through modesty of dress is meant to provide the arena in which something much more than a mere se nsual reaction might take place. Modesty of dress helps protect interactions between the sexes from falling into utilitarianism, and thus creates the possibility of authentic love for the per son to develop.

Shame Absorbed by Love

Dressing immodestly hinders the possibilities for true love to develop, for it draws attention to her sexual values to such an extent that it overshadows her value as a person.

Yet within the context of betrothed love — a mature self-giving love of a husband and wife — there is no longer any reason for shame. True love ensures that sentimental and sensual experiences "are imbued with affirmation of the value of the person to such an extent that it is impossible for the will to regard the other pe rson as an object for use" (pp. 183–84). Each person has complete confidence in the other's selfless lo ve. They each have total trust that they won't be treated merely as an object for the other person's pleasure. Hence, their emotional and sensual enjoyment is grounded in full self-giving love and a profound sense of responsibility for the other person.

The need for shame has been absorbed by mature love for a person: it is no longer necessary for a lover to conceal from the beloved or from himself a disposition to enjoy, since this has been absorbed by true love ruled by the will. Affirmation of the value of the person so thoroughly per meates all the sensual and emotional reactions connected with the sexual values that the will is not threatened by a utilitarian outlook. (p. 184)

This kind of trust, however, can only be found fully in betrothed love. Only in a healthy, thriving marriage is shame absorbed by love in this way. That's why we want to dress modestly when we are with members of the opposite sex to whom we are not married. Outside the context of betrothed love, we must be careful with the unveiling of sexual values or else we will set ourselves up to be used by the opposite sex.

Avoiding Objectification

Now we are prepared to explore the three aspects of sexual shame presented by Wojtyla. We have already touched upon the first aspect — how shame leads us to conceal sexual values so that they don't produce a merely utilitarian reaction in another person. A woman should want to avoid dressing in a way that deliberately draws attention to her sexual values and obscures her value as a person. Certain types of clothing (or lack thereof) are bound to elicit a sensual reaction that puts her in a position of being treated as an object of enjoyment.

In other words, a woman dressing immodestly may deliberately elicit a sexual reaction to her body. And she may attract men to view her body as an object of enjoyment. But she doesn't inspire men to love her as a person.

But here some women may object: "Why is it my responsibility to dress modestly? If a man struggles with lustful thoughts, that's his problem, not mine." But this objection misses Wojtyla's point. The purpose of modesty is not merely to help prevent men from stumbling into impure thoughts. Modesty of dress is primarily meant to protect the woman herself. It helps keep the woman from being treated as an object for sexual pleasure.

Wojtyla offers two important insights that help make sense of this. On one hand, we must remember that human beings are fallen. Thus, it is not easy for us to avoid a utilitarian attitude when we see the body of the opposite sex. The attitude of "I shouldn't have to worry about how I dress — that's the man's problem" naively fails to take original sin seriously. As Wojtyla explains, "Man, alas, is not such a perfe ct being that the sight of the body of another person . . . can arouse in him merely a disinterested liking which develops into an innocent affection. In practice it also arouses concupiscence, or a wish to enjoy concentrated on sexual values with no regard for the value of the person" (p. 190). As a result of original sin, the human will "too readily accepts the sensual reaction and reduces another person . . . to the role of an object for enjoyment" (p. 191). And when this happens, Wojtyla calls it "depersonalization by sexualization." The woman is not viewed for who she is as a person. She is reduced to a potential object for sexual pleasure. Modesty of dress helps women to avoid being depersonalized in this way.

On the other hand, Wojtyla goes on to remind us that men struggle with sensuality a lot more than women. Therefore, it is not surprising that women may have difficulty understanding what really constitutes modest dress, for sensuality is not as strong in them as it is in men. "Since a woman does not find in herself the sensuality of which a man as a rule cannot but be aware in himself she does not feel so great a need to conceal 'the body as a potential object of enjoyment'" (p. 177). Consequently, women often don't r ealize that a certain way of a cting or dressing may actually be immodest. And they may have absolutely no idea that the way they are dressing may be setting themselves up to be viewed by a man as a mere object for sexual pleasure. "Very often, a woman does not regard a particular way of dressing as sha meless . . . although some man, or indeed many men, may find it so" (p. 189).

Men, Women and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri

Concealing Our Reactions

The second aspect of sexual shame is its tendency to conceal our own utilitarian reactions to the opposite sex when we treat them as objects for our enjoyment. We realize that a human person is not an object for use, and we feel ashamed if we treat people that way in our glances, thoughts, or imagination. Deep down, a man senses, "I must not touch her, not even with a deeply hidden wish to enjoy h er, for she cannot be an object for use" (p. 180).

Consider what often happens when a man is staring at a woman lustfully and she notices it. As soon as he is caught, he quickly turns his eyes away because he feels ashamed of what he was doing. He does not want his utilitarian attitude toward her to be exposed. He knows he shouldn't treat a woman that way and he immediately looks away.

Inspiring Love

The third and most important aspect of sexual shame is its connection with love. Ultimately, modesty seeks to inspire love — true love for the person, not just a sexual reaction to a woman's body. Deep in a woman's heart is a longing to inspire and experience love. Thus, a woman should dress in a way that inspires love for her as a person. But dressing immodestly hinders the possibilities for true love to develop, for it draws attention to her sexual values to such an extent that it overshadows her value as a person. In other words, a woman dressing immodestly may deliberately elicit a sexual reaction to her body. And she may attract men to view her body as an object of enjoyment. But she doesn't inspire men to love her as a person.

Here we see that modesty of dress is about so much more than helping men avoid falling into sin. And it is not simply a "defensive reflex" protecting women from being used. In the end, modesty is about inspiring a reaction to the value of the person — not just to the sexual values. As Wojtyla explains, "sexual modesty is not a flight from love, but on the contrary the opening of a way towards it. The spontaneous need to conceal mere sexual values bound up with the person is the natural way to the discovery of the value of the person as such" (p. 179).

Week 2, 2012: 'The Battle for Purity' (Chp.8)

The Battle for Purity

EDWARD P. SRI

The battle for purity is ultimately fought deep in the recesses of the human heart.

The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love

Our hearts were made to love, but since the Fall, they have been tainted by a desire to use others. This effect of original sin is seen perhaps most dramatically in our encounters with the opposite sex, wherein our hearts often are drawn to the other person more for the emotional or sensual pleasure we may derive from them than for any true commitment to what is best for them and their true value as a person. In this reflection, we will see that chastity is so much bigger than simply saying "no" to certain sexual actions we may commit in the body. In the end, chastity is a matter of the heart.

Chastity: Yes and No

The word chaste literally means "clean," and Christians have used this word to describe the particular virtue that moderates our sexual desire. But this is not because sexual desire itself is somehow unclean or dirty. In fact, John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — warns against a negative view of chastity that turns this virtue into a mere suppression of sensual desire ("Just don't have sex before your married!"). In this negative light, chastity becomes merely "one long 'no.'" And this kind of suppression can have serious consequences for the human person: "Chastity is very often understood as a 'blind' inhibition of sensuality and of physical impulses such that the values of the 'body' and of sex are pushed down into the subconscious, where they await an opportunity to explode. This is an obviously erroneous conception of the virtue of chastity, which, if it is practiced only in this way, does indeed create the danger of such 'explosions'" (p. 170).

We must see chastity as a positive virtue that enables us to love, and protects love from being tainted by the selfish tendency to use the other person for our own pleasure. Wojtyla says chastity is emphatically not "one long 'no.'" Rather, it is first and foremost a yes — a yes in our hearts to the other person, not just to his or her sexual values. It is a 'yes' that requires certain 'no's' in order to protect love from falling into utilitarianism. "The essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation, and in raising to the personal level all reactions to the value of 'the body and sex'" (p. 171). This positive, wider context of love for the person is key for understanding the 'no's' of the Church's teaching on sexual morality.

Pure Love

As we have seen throughout these reflections, our encounters with persons of the opposite sex are often dominated by emotional and sensual attractions. We are drawn more quickly and more powerfully to the other person's sexual values (their masculinity/femininity and their body) than we are to their true value as a person (their virtues, their holiness, their being a son or daughter of God). Because of original sin, we don't automatically experience authentic, self-giving love for a person of the opposite sex, but "a feeling muddied by a longing to enjoy" (p. 161).

Chastity, however, moderates these desires for pleasure, so that we can see clearly the value of the person and respond to our beloved with a love that is centered on his or her good, not on seeking enjoyment for ourselves. Hence, the virtue is called "chastity," for it gives love a clear, pure love of the other person. Wojtyla explains, "The word chaste ('clean') implies liberation from everything that 'makes dirty.' Love must be so to speak pellucid: through all the sensations, all the actions which originate in it we must always be able to discern an attitude to a person of the opposite sex which derives from sincere affirmation of the worth of that person" (p. 146).

The Two Battlefronts

Wojtyla says chastity is emphatically not "one long 'no.'" Rather, it is first and foremost a yes — a yes in our hearts to the other person, not just to his or her sexual values. It is a 'yes' that requires certain 'no's' in order to protect love from falling into utilitarianism.

Wojtyla maps out two fronts in the battle for purity. First, we must fight against what he calls "emotional egoism," which is the tendency to use another person for our own emotional pleasure. This kind of utilitarianism is not easy to detect, for emotional egoism can easily disguise itself as love ("I have such strong feelings when I'm with him. This must be love"). And even when emotional egoism is brought out into the open (e.g., "she's just a flirt" or "he was playing with her feelings"), it does not seem as severe of an offense against love as when someone uses another person as an object for sensual pleasure.

Nevertheless, emotion, though an aspect of love, can become "a threat to love," Wojtyla says. Whenever someone puts emotion for its own sake at the center of one's attention in a relationship, a selfish utilitarian attitude is lurking in the background. And Wojtyla notes that this is still a drastic distortion of love. "When an emotion becomes an end in itself, merely for the sake of the pleasure it gives, the person who causes the emotion or to whom it is directed is once again a mere 'object' providing an opportunity to satisfy the emotional needs of one's own 'ego'" (p. 158).

The second front in the battle for purity is what Wojtyla calls "sensual egoism," which is the tendency to use another person for sensual pleasure. Certainly, various sinful sexual acts constitute this kind of egoism. But Wojtyla stresses that one can fall into sensual egoism without making any bodily contact with another person. For example, a man can view a woman primarily in terms of the value of her body, and use her body as an object of enjoyment in his own mind when he sees her, or in his memory and imagination long after he has seen her (see p. 108). The Ten Commandments reflect this point. We have on one hand the Sixth Commandment, "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery," which addresses external physical actions in the realm of sex, and on the other hand the Ninth Commandment, "Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife," which addresses internal actions commonly known as lustful thoughts.

But where the boundary lies between simply noticing someone's sexual values and being attracted to them in a sinful way is not always easy to discern. What is the difference between an innocent interest in another person's physical appearance and a lustful thought? Here Wojtyla offers some very helpful insights.

He seems to identify three general stages in the battle against sensual egoism. First, one may experience a spontaneous sensual reaction. At this stage, one happens to notice the sexual values of another person's body and reacts to those values spontaneously. For example, a handsome man walks into a cocktail party and catches the eye of a woman he has never met, while the man notices the woman's attractive features and finds himself drawn to her throughout the evening. The sexual values of the opposite sex often present themselves spontaneously like this. We notice them and find ourselves interested in them. This is not lust; nor is it sinful. It simply means we are human and have human sensual desire. As Wojtyla explains, sensuality "merely orients the whole psyche towards the sexual values, awakening an interest in or indeed an 'absorption' in them" (p. 148). As we have seen previously, such sensual desire is given by God to draw persons together in love. Indeed, it can serve as "raw material" for authentic love if the sensual attraction to the other person's body leads to a deeper level of commitment to the person himself or herself — not just his or her sexual values.

Lustful Thoughts?

However, Wojtyla warns us of how easy it is to move from the first stage of simple interest in the sexual values of another person to the second stage of hankering after them in one's heart as a potential object of sensual pleasure. Wojtyla calls this second stage sensual concupiscence. At this point, something within the person begins to stir: a desire for the sexual values of the other person's body as an object to enjoy. Now the sexual values are not simply an object of interest, but an actual object of sensual desire in our hearts. Something in us "begins to strive towards, to hanker after, that value" and we "desire to possess the value" (p. 148).

Men, Women and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri

Still, Wojtyla says that even this second stage of sensual attraction is not necessarily sinful. It is the effect of concupiscence (the inclination toward sin). Because of our fallen human nature, it is not easy for us to quickly direct that inner stirring of sensual desire to selfless love for the other person. Our desire for sensual pleasure can be felt so powerfully that we experience a desire to use the other person in order to gain that pleasure. But here is the key: Wojtyla says even this stirring of sensual desire is not in itself sinful as long as the will resists that desire to use the person — as long as the will does not consent to it. Indeed, we may experience sensual desire mounting intensely within us without our will actually consenting to it and even with our will directly opposing it (see p. 162).

That is why Wojtyla wisely reminds us that we cannot expect to win the battle for purity in our hearts immediately, simply by saying "no" hard enough. He says, "An act of the will against a sensual impulse does not generally produce any immediate result. . . . No-one can demand of himself either that he should experience no sensual reactions at all, or that they should immediately yield just because the will does not consent, or even because it declares itself definitely 'against' (p. 162).

This is very helpful advice for anyone desiring, but struggling, to be chaste. One might try with all his might to remain pure, but still experience simple, spontaneous sensual reactions and even the inner stirrings of concupiscent desires. Yet one must remember that as long as the will does not consent to those utilitarian desires, he or she has not fallen into sin. As Wojtyla explains, "There is a difference between 'not wanting' and 'not feeling,' 'not experiencing'" (p. 162). I

n other words, one may feel the inner stirring of concupiscent desire in his heart, but this is not the same as his will consenting to follow those desires and treat the other person as a potential object of enjoyment. "A sensual reaction, or the 'stirring of ' carnal desire which results from it, and which occurs irrespectively and independently of the will, cannot in themselves be sins," Wojtyla explains. "No, we must give proper weight to the fact that in any normal man the lust of the body has its own dynamic, of which his sensual reactions are a manifestation. . . . The sexual values connected with the body of the person become not only an object of interest but — quite easily — the object of sensual desire. The source of this desire is the power of concupiscence . . . and so not the will" (p. 161).

Crossing the Threshold of Sin

That is why Wojtyla wisely reminds us that we cannot expect to win the battle for purity in our hearts immediately, simply by saying "no" hard enough.

Nevertheless, these concupiscent sensual desires continually try to get the will to consent to them, thereby leading the person to cross the line of sin. Indeed, if the will does not resist this stirring of the sensual appetite, a person falls into the third stage, which Wojtyla calls carnal desire. Here, the will gives up resisting, throws in the towel, and consents to pursuing the pleasurable feelings occurring within him. He deliberately commits his will to the promptings of his body, even though those promptings direct him to treat the woman's body as an object of enjoyment either in his actions or in his thoughts, memory, or imagination. "As soon as the will consents it begins actively to want what is spontaneously 'happening' in the senses and the sensual appetites. From then onwards, this is not something merely 'happening' to a man, but something which he himself begins actively doing" (p. 162).

Now the threshold of sin has been crossed. Before this point, the man had maintained an important level of purity in his heart because he was resisting those utilitarian concupiscent desires. But now that his will consents to those desires, something dramatic changes: The man himself changes as he wills in his heart to go along with those utilitarian desires. He is no longer simply experiencing a desire to use the woman's body; he actually is using her body as an outlet for his carnal desire. He is no longer simply a man struggling against lustful thoughts; he has become a lustful man who has consented to those thoughts in which he is using the woman's body for his own pleasure in his imagination.

And his consent to lustful thoughts or lustful actions greatly hinders true self-giving love from developing fully in his heart. Since the lustful man views the woman primarily as an object for pleasure, he is not able to show her selfless, loving kindness. He is not able to be committed to what is best for her, sacrificing his own desires for her good, since he is more preoccupied by his own sensual gratification. "The relation to the person is therefore a utilitarian, a 'consumer' approach," and thus the person is treated as "an object of enjoyment" (p. 151).

Chastity is the virtue that frees a man from this sad state of being controlled by his sensual impulses. As a fallen human being, even the chaste man may still experience concupiscent sensual desires, but he is not enslaved by them and can quickly rise above them. Therefore, he is easily and promptly able to see in the woman so much more than her sexual values. Deep in his heart, he is able to see her as a person, not primarily as an opportunity for pleasure. And thus he is able to love her selflessly for who she really is, not simply for the sensual enjoyment he may potentially derive from her. In this way, purity of heart makes a man truly free to love.

Wk 1, 2012: 'Resenting Chastity: The Current Crisis' (Chapter 7)

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CHAPTER TEXT

Virtue is not something simply lacking in the modern world. It is something many in the modern world actually resent.

The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love

That's a point that John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — makes when beginning his teaching on chastity in his book Love and Responsibility.

Why is virtue resented by many people today? First, living the virtuous life is not easy. It requires a lot of effort, practice, and self-denial. We are constantly battling against our fallen, selfish human nature. This side of the Garden of Eden, it is a lot easier to give in to our emotions and desires than it is to control them. For example, it is easier to indulge our appetite than it is to eat with moderation. It is easier to lose our temper when things don't go our way than it is to moderate our anger. It is easier to give in to discouragement and complaining than it is to joyfully endure our trials with courage.

The virtues remind us of the higher moral standard that we are called to follow. This reminder should inspire us to give more of ourselves in the pursuit of virtue and live more like Christ, rather than living life enslaved by our passions.

However, not everyone wants to be reminded of this. For souls not wanting to give up certain pleasures or comforts — souls not wanting to do the work and make the sacrifices that are necessary to grow in virtue — any discussion of the virtues can be like a mirror showing them their own moral laziness.

Virtue Subverted

This is why some people resent the virtues. Instead of being inspired to live a better life, they destroy the moral standard of the virtues and drag it down to their level. In other words, they minimize the significance of the virtues in order to spare themselves the effort and excuse their own moral failures.

For example, imagine several women working in an office who gossip and talk about other people behind their backs. One of their Christian colleagues, however, does not use foul language and does not participate in their gossip. Instead of being inspired by her example, her co-workers make fun of her. They ridicule her as being a "holy roller" who is "too good for the rest us." By not going along with what everyone else is doing, she stands as a reminder of their own immoral behavior. Thus her virtue is not praised. It is resented.

Wojtyla says that many people devalue the virtues in order to excuse themselves from having to live by a higher standard. Since they don't want to make the effort to change, they treat the virtues lightheartedly or even openly attack them in order to justify their own lack of moral character. "Resentment . . . not only distorts the features of the good but devalues that which rightly deserves respect so that man need not struggle to raise himself to the level of the true good, but can 'light-heartedly' recognize as good only what suits him, what is convenient and comfortable to him" (p. 144).

Resenting Chastity

The virtue that is probably resented the most today is chastity. Chastity is no longer seen as something good, something noble, something we should all pursue. Just the opposite: Chastity is now often portrayed as something evil — something harmful for human persons!

Some argue that chastity is harmful to the psychological well-being of young men and women. Sexual desire is natural, it is said. Therefore, it is unnatural to restrict it in any way.

Others say chastity is an enemy of love. If two people love each other, shouldn't they be able to express their love through sexual intercourse? Chastity might have a role to play in other areas of life, but when two mutually consenting adults are in love, the restrictions of chastity are a tremendous hindrance to the couple who are expressing their love through sex.

These and many other arguments against chastity reflect our culture's resentment of this virtue. We witness this resentment of chastity in many college classrooms, in many "sex ed" programs, and especially in the media. When a Hollywood film or prime time sitcom portrays romantic relationships, how often is chastity held up as a moral ideal? How often is chastity presented as something that makes us happy, as something the heroes intentionally make a priority in their lives?

Why This Resentment?

Therefore, the real questions in love are not the subjective ones: "Do I have strong feelings and desire for my beloved? Does he or she have strong feelings and sensual desire for me?" Anyone can have feelings and desire for another person. But not everyone has the virtue and commitment to make self-giving love possible.

Wojtyla says the main reason modern man views chastity as an obstacle to love is that we associate love primarily with the emotions or the sexual pleasure we receive from the person of the other sex. In other words, we tend to think of love only in its subjective aspect. If we are going to restore the virtue of chastity in our world, "we must first of all eliminate the enormous accretion of subjectivity in our conception of love and of the happiness which it can bring to man and woman" (p. 144).

To understand this point better, let's briefly recall the two sides of love, which we considered in a previous reflection.1 For Wojtyla, the subjective aspect of love is simply a "psychological experience" — something happening inside of me. When men and women encounter each other, they may spontaneously find themselves physically attracted to each other's "good looks" (he calls this attraction sensuality). And they may also find themselves emotionally attracted to each other's masculine or feminine personality (he calls this sentimentality). These sensual desires and emotional responses are not bad. In fact, they can serve as the "raw material" from which authentic love might develop. However, these responses do not represent love itself. At this level, they remain attractions to the other person's body or their masculinity or femininity, not love for the other person himself or herself.

The objective aspect of love is much more than a psychological experience happening inside of me. It is "an interpersonal fact." It considers what is really happening in the relationship, not just the good feelings I experience when I'm with the other person. The objective aspect of love involves a mutual commitment of the will to what is best for the other person and the virtue to be able to help the other person pursue what is best for them. Even more, love in this fullest sense involves self-giving — a surrendering of one's will, a decision to limit one's autonomy in order to serve the other more freely.

Therefore, the real questions in love are not the subjective ones: "Do I have strong feelings and desire for my beloved? Does he or she have strong feelings and sensual desire for me?" Anyone can have feelings and desire for another person. But not everyone has the virtue and commitment to make self-giving love possible.

Sexual Values

Now back to the problem of chastity. Wojtyla points out that the subjective aspect of love develops more rapidly and is felt more intensely than the objective aspect. On the objective level, it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate a virtuous friendship. Relationships centered on total self-giving love and on a profound sense of responsibility for the other as a gift don't just happen spontaneously.

However, with the subjective aspect of love, it doesn't take much time and effort at all to experience sensual desire or emotional longing for a person of the opposite sex. Such reactions can happen in an instant. Furthermore, these sensual and emotional responses can be so powerful that they dominate how we view the other person. In our fallen human nature, we can tend to see persons of the opposite sex primarily through the prism of their sexual values — the values that give us emotional and sexual pleasure. As a result, we obscure our perception of them as persons, and view them more as opportunities for our own enjoyment (cf. p. 159).

Wojtyla points out that our encounters with the opposite sex are often mixed with this kind of emotional or sensual egoism — with a desire to use the person for our own emotional pleasure or sexual satisfaction. "The truth of original sin explains a very basic and very widespread evil — that a human being encountering a person of the other sex does not simply and spontaneously experience 'love' but a feeling muddied by the longing to enjoy" (p. 161, emphasis added).

Our Tendency to Use the Opposite Sex

Men, Women and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri

Did you catch that? Wojtyla is saying that when we encounter someone of the opposite sex (a stranger, a friend, a coworker, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a spouse, or even another person's spouse), we should not expect a purely selfless attitude of Christian kindness to spontaneously spring from our hearts. Because we are fallen, our many complex attractions are often mixed with a selfish attitude of wanting to be with the other person not for the sake of any commitment to his or her well-being, but for the rush of good feelings or sensual pleasure we may receive from being with the other person. In other words, when boy meets girl, they do not automatically fall into authentic, self-giving, committed love for each other. Instead, while feeling attracted to each other, they are tempted to see each other as objects to satisfy their own emotional needs or sexual desires.

Again, these reactions to sexual values are certainly not bad in themselves. However, if we're not careful, this raw material can be used up as an outlet for our own emotional or sensual enjoyment. And as long as this happens, selfless love for the other person will never develop. That is why we need a virtue that helps us integrate our sensual and sentimental attractions with authentic love for the other as a person. Wojtyla continues, "Since sensations and actions springing from sexual reactions and the emotions connected with them tend to deprive love of its crystal clarity — a special virtue is necessary to protect its true character and objective profile. This special virtue is chastity" (p. 146).

Chastity: The Guardian of Love

Now we can see why chastity is so necessary for love. Far from something that hinders our love, chastity is what makes love possible. It protects love from falling into selfish, utilitarian attitudes and enables us to love selflessly — irrespective of the powerful emotions or sensual delight we may receive from our beloved.

If we are to truly love a person of the opposite sex, we must be able to see much more than the person's sexual value. We must see their full value as a person and respond to them in selfless love. Wojtyla says that chastity allows us to do just that. "The essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation and in raising to the personal level all reactions to the value of 'the body and sex'" (p. 171).

However, the man without chastity sits in a very sad situation: He is not free to love. He may have some good intentions and a sincere desire to care for his beloved, but without chastity, his love will never flourish, for it will not be pure. It will be mixed with a tendency to view his beloved primarily in terms of her sexual values, which make his heart delight in emotional enjoyment or make his body stir in sensual desire. Wojtyla explains that the man without chastity cannot selflessly love his beloved for who she is as a person, because his heart is so preoccupied with the emotional and sensual pleasure he receives from her (p. 164).

But chastity enables a man to see clearly not just his beloved's sexual values, but even more, her value as a person. Freed from utilitarian attitudes, the chaste man is thus free to love. "Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love. For chastity frees their association, including marital intercourse, from that tendency to use a person . . . and by so freeing it introduces into their life together and their sexual relationship a special disposition to 'loving kindness.'" (p. 171).

L&R Returns! *Series 2 Dates Released*

Hey friends,


After a hugely successful first series in which chapters 1-6 were covered, L&R will be returning to Sydney in March this year.


Whilst things are being finalised, utube clips arranged, venues booked - we encourage you to begin to spread the word but most importantly - save the dates in your diary!


Final dates for L&R Syd Series 2:
March 13th / 20th / 27th
April 3rd / 17th / 24th


'Like' us on Facebook  for more regular updates!


Till then!


L&R Team '12

L&R SYD 'Christmas Drinks & Carol Singing'

Missing our weekly L&R sessions? Wish it were back before 2012 season? Here's your chance! We are all coming back together on a Tuesday night to catchup, have a drink & prepare for the Christmas Season around the corner. Join us for drinks & nibblies, and a bit of carol singing on Tuesday 29th November, followed by dinner at our favourite Cafe Broadway. There is no charge, but we'd ask y'all to RSVP via facebook asap & get your friends to rsvp as we want to have enough food & drink for some hearty celebrations. See you there!

Chapter 6 - "Love and Responsibility? Building Trust, Intimacy & a Mature Love""

Chapter Text

(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)

It is routinely pointed out that about half of all marriages end in divorce. But what is not often discussed is the other half of the equation: the marriages that don't break up. Are those marriages thriving? Do married couples that stay together feel truly close to one another? Do they achieve true, lasting, personal intimacy?

The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love

The picture on this other side of the divorce line is not a pretty one. Studies have shown that most couples do not feel as if they are married to a close friend. In fact, only about 1 out of 10 married couples in America say they experience emotional intimacy in their relationship.

A great marriage is not one that simply stays together. A great marriage is one in which spouses experience deep personal communion with each other. We want marriages in which people 10, 20, 30 years into their married life can say, "I love my spouse more now than I did when we were first married."
For Pope John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — the key to personal communion in married life is mutual self-giving love and the accompanying sense of responsibility for each other as a gift. Indeed, this theme of responsibility is so important that he put it in the title of his book about love, marriage, and relationships between men and women. The book is not called simply Love, but Love and Responsibility.
What is this responsibility? And how can it transform relationships between spouses, fiancés, and "significant others"? That's what we will explore in this reflection.

  

Responsibility
Think about what happens in betrothed love. In our last reflection, we saw that the fullest sense of love involves two people giving themselves to each other. And this self-giving is nothing less than a total entrusting of one's self to the other person — a surrendering of one's own preferences, freedom, and will for the sake of the other.
This means that in betrothed love, my beloved totally gives herself to me. She freely and lovingly gives up her autonomy and commits her will to the good of our marriage and the good of our family. Therefore, since my beloved completely entrusts her life to me in this unique way, I must, in turn, have a profound sense of responsibility for her — for her well-being, her happiness, her emotional security, her holiness. As Wojtyla explains, "There exists in love a particular responsibility — the responsibility for a person who is drawn into the closest possible partnership in the life and activity of another, and becomes in a sense the property of whoever benefits from this gift of self" (p. 130).
Here, Wojtyla offers a standard for love that is counter-cultural: "The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is" (p. 131). Notice how he didn't say the more powerful the emotions, the more powerful the love is. The true measure for love is not how much one enjoys being with his beloved or how much pleasure he receives from her. Authentic love is not so self-centered, constantly looking inward at my own emotions and desires. Rather, true love looks outward in awe at my beloved who has entrusted herself to me, and it has a deep sense of responsibility for her good, especially in light of the fact that she has committed herself to me in this way.

  

Accepting the Gift

Here, Wojtyla offers a standard for love that is counter-cultural: "The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is" (p. 131). Notice how he didn't say the more powerful the emotions, the more powerful the love is.

In order to help us better appreciate the crucial role responsibility plays in a relationship, let's consider the two aspects of self-giving love. On one hand, there is the giving of self: My beloved gives herself to me and I give myself to her. On the other hand, there is the acceptance of the other person: I accept my beloved as a gift that has been entrusted to me, and she accepts me as a gift. Wojtyla notes how in betrothed love there is a great mystery of reciprocity in the giving and the receiving of each other. In fact, he makes a very intriguing statement about this: "Acceptance must also be giving, and giving receiving" (p. 129).

How is acceptance giving? In other words, in what sense is the acceptance of my beloved an actual gift to her? The insights from John Paul II's Theology of the Body will be helpful here.1 While commenting on the marriage of Adam and Eve, he explains that when Eve was first given to Adam, she was fully accepted by him, and the two became intimately united as one. "Then the man said, 'This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.' . . . Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen. 2:23-24).
Because sin had not yet entered the world, Adam did not struggle with selfishness. Thus, he loved his wife not for what he could get out of the relationship (a coworker in the garden, companionship, emotional pleasure, sexual pleasure, etc.). Rather, he loved her for who she was as a person. He accepted his wife as a tremendous gift that he would treasure and care for. He had a profound sense of responsibility for her, and he always sought what was best for her, not just his own interests. He never did anything that would hurt her.

  

The Key to Intimacy
Put yourself in Eve's shoes. Imagine having a spouse like that! Imagine how she must have felt being totally accepted in this way. Indeed, having a husband joyfully receive her as a gift and love her for her own sake was a great gift to her, for now her longing for personal communion could be fulfilled. Adam's total acceptance of Eve provided her with the security she needed to feel safe enough to entrust her heart, indeed her whole life, fully to him without any fear of being let down. In other words, his committed love and acceptance of her fostered in her the trust that makes emotional intimacy possible.2
This is the key to personal communion in marriage. Since Eve had complete trust in Adam's love for her, she never felt afraid of being used by him, being misunderstood by him, or being hurt by him. Therefore, in this context of committed love and responsibility, she felt free to give herself fully to her husband — emotionally, spiritually, physically — holding nothing back.

  

Back to the Garden
This is the kind of dynamic we want for our marriages: one of total trust, which makes personal intimacy possible. However, my beloved will grow to trust me — and thus unveil her heart to me — only to the extent that she senses that I am committed to her, that I totally accept her, and that I feel great responsibility for what is best for her.
This is not an easy thing to achieve. Unlike Adam and Eve in the garden, we are fallen. We are selfish, and we often do things to hurt one another that can break down trust and thus hinder intimacy. For example, when a man is more preoccupied by what he needs to do at work than he is about caring for his wife's needs, he sends a message to her that she is not a priority — that everything else is more important. This, of course, does not help build trust and only makes her feel more distant from her husband. Similarly, a wife who constantly nags her husband and criticizes him for his weaknesses, for not getting things done around the house, or for not having a better job, may make him feel disrespected or unappreciated. Such complaining will likely only drive him farther away from her emotionally.

Men, Women and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri

What about when we experience firsthand our beloved's weaknesses and feel hurt by something they have done? When we're hurt, we're tempted to get frustrated with our beloved, saying to ourselves, "Why does he always do this? He is never going to change!" We may become defensive ("This was not my fault! Why doesn't she understand?"). We might put up walls ("I'm not going to tell him what I'm really feeling anymore. . . . He doesn't care anyway"). We might even begin to withdraw our love ("If I had married someone else, I know I wouldn't be treated this way").

Wojtyla reminds us that in moments like these, our acceptance and responsibility for the other person is tested the most. Still, we should "love the person complete with all his or her virtues and faults, and up to a point independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults" (p. 135). He is not saying we should condone or ignore the sins and weaknesses of our beloved. But he is challenging us to avoid viewing our beloved through the lenses of a prosecuting attorney. Even though we are hurt, we need to look beyond the mere legal facts ("She did this to me!") and see the person, who maintains great value even in the midst of their shortcomings and sins. After all, as we have seen throughout these reflections, true love is directed to the person — not just what he or she does for me. So when the beloved is having a not-so-beautiful moment — is not pleasing to me and in fact does something to hurt me — will there still be total love and acceptance for him or her?
This is the kind of question that gets at the real measure of one's love. As Wojtyla sums up,

The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other's shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them. For the person as such never loses its essential value. The emotion which attaches itself to the value of the person remains loyal to the human being." (p. 135)

This, of course, is analogous to the way the Lord loves us. Despite our many sins and failures, God remains committed to us, looking at us patiently and mercifully in the face of our faults. He puts up with us even when we do things that hurt our relationship with Him.
Therefore, if we wish to be more Christ-like in our marriages, we must first and foremost develop a deeper attitude of love and acceptance for our spouses as they are, with all their imperfections. Instead of trying to change them or becoming irritated with their faults, we must remain firmly committed to them as persons who have been entrusted to us as a gift. Our fundamental attitude toward our beloved in the midst of their weaknesses must not be one of agitation, defensiveness, or annoyance, but one of unwavering acceptance in our hearts for our spouse as he or she is, bearing patiently with his or her faults. When we do this, we begin to love as God loves.

 

Endnotes:

1. See John Paul II, The Theology of the Body: Human Love in the Divine Plan (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1997), especially pp. 54-72.
2. While I have focused on Adam's acceptance of Eve in this short reflection, the same could be said in the other direction. Eve's total acceptance of Adam as a gift similarly serves as a gift for him, further strengthening trust and intimacy in their relationship.

YouTube Highlights Clip from Week Four - "Sense & Sentimentality; The Proper Role of the Emotions"

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Chapter 5 - "The Law of the Gift; Understanding the Two Sides of Love"

Chapter Text
(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)

How does a person know if he is in a relationship of authentic, committed love or just in another disappointing romance that will not stand the test of time?

The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love

That's what John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — addresses in the next section of his book, Love and Responsibility, when he discusses the two sides of love.

According to Wojtyla, there are two aspects of love, and understanding the difference is crucial for any marriage, engagement, or dating relationship. On one hand, we have what's happening inside us when we're attracted to a person of the opposite sex.
When boy meets girl, he experiences a number of powerful feelings and desires in his heart. He may find himself physically drawn to the beauty of her body or constantly thinking about her in an emotional attraction. This inner dynamic of sensual desire (sensuality) and emotional love (sentimentality) largely shapes how the man and woman interact with each other, and it is what makes romance, especially in its early stages, so thrilling for the couple involved. Wojtyla calls this first side of love the "subjective" aspect.
Yet, while this is one aspect of love, it is not to be equated with love in the fullest sense. We know from experience that we can have powerful emotions and desires for another person without in any way being committed to them or without them being truly committed to us in a relationship of love.
This is why Wojtyla puts the subjective aspect of love in its proper place. He wakes us up and reminds us that no matter how intensely we experience these sensations, it is not necessarily love, but simply "a psychological situation." In other words, on its own, the subjective aspect of love is no more than a pleasurable experience happening inside of me.
These emotions and desires are not bad, and they may develop into love and even enrich love, but we should not view them as infallible signs of authentic love. Wojtyla says, "It is impossible to judge the value of a relationship between persons merely from the intensity of their emotions. . . . Love develops on the basis of the totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person"; whereas, romantic feelings "are born spontaneously from sensual and emotional reactions. A very rich and rapid growth of such sensations may conceal a love which has failed to develop" (p. 145).

Turning Love Inward

Men and women today are quite susceptible to falling for this illusion of love, for the modern world has turned love inward, focusing primarily on the subjective aspect. In the last article, I wrote about the phenomenon of "Hollywood Love," which tells us that the stronger our feelings are the stronger our love is. Wojtyla, however, emphasizes that there is another side of love that is absolutely essential no matter how powerful our emotions and desires may be. This is what he calls love's "objective" aspect.

When considering the objective aspect of love, we must discern what kind of relationship exists between me and my beloved in reality, not simply what this relationship means to me in my feelings. Does the other person truly love me more for who I am or more for the pleasure he receives from the relationship? Does my beloved understand what is truly best for me, and does she have the virtue to help me get there?

This aspect has a number of objective characteristics that go beyond the pleasurable feelings I experience on the subjective level. True love involves virtue, friendship, and the pursuit of a common good. In Christian marriage, for example, a husband and wife unite themselves to the common aims of helping each other grow in holiness, deepening their own union, and raising children. Furthermore, they should not only share this common goal, but also have the virtue to help each other get there.

This is why the objective aspect of love is much more than an inner look at my emotions and desires. It is much more than the enjoyment I receive from the relationship. When considering the objective aspect of love, we must discern what kind of relationship exists between me and my beloved in reality, not simply what this relationship means to me in my feelings. Does the other person truly love me more for who I am or more for the pleasure he receives from the relationship? Does my beloved understand what is truly best for me, and does she have the virtue to help me get there? Are we deeply united by a common aim, serving each other and striving together toward a common good that is higher than each of us? Or are we really just living side by side, sharing resources and occasional good times together while we each selfishly pursue our own projects and interests in life? These are the kinds of questions that get at the objective aspect of love.
Now we can see why Wojtyla says true love is "an interpersonal fact," not simply a "psychological situation." A strong relationship is based on virtue and friendship, not simply on experiencing good feelings and good times together. As Wojtyla puts it, "love as experience should be subordinated to love as virtue,—so much so that without love as virtue there can be no fullness in the experience of love" (p. 120).

Self-Giving Love

One of the chief hallmarks of the objective aspect of love is the gift of self. Wojtyla teaches that what makes betrothed love different from all other forms of love (attraction, desire, friendship) is that two people "give themselves" to each other. They are not just attracted to each other, and they do not simply desire what is good for each other. In betrothed love, each person surrenders himself entirely to the other. "When betrothed love enters into this interpersonal relationship something more than friendship results: two people give themselves each to the other" (p. 96).
Yet the very idea of self-giving love raises some important questions: How can one person really give himself to another? What does this mean? After all, Wojtyla himself teaches that each human person is utterly unique. Each person has his own mind and his own free will. In the end, no one else can think for me. No one else can choose for me. Thus, each person "is his own master" and is not able to be given over to another (p. 125). So in what sense can one person "give himself " to his beloved?
Wojtyla responds by saying that while on the natural and physical level it is impossible for one person to give himself to another, in the order of love a person can do so by choosing to limit his freedom and uniting his will to the one he loves. In other words, because of his love, a person may actually desire to give up his own free will and bind it to the other person. As Wojtya says, love "makes the person want to do just that — surrender itself to another, to the one it loves."

The Freedom to Love

For example, consider what happens when a single man becomes married. As a single man, "Bob" is able to decide what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. He sets his own schedule. He decides where he lives. He can quit a job and move to another part of the country in an instant if he so desires. He can keep his apartment messy. He can spend his money however he pleases. And he can eat when he wants, go out when he wants, and go to bed when he wants. He is used to making life decisions on his own.

Men, Women and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri

Marriage, however, will significantly change Bob's life. If Bob decides all on his own to quit his job, buy a new car, go on a weekend vacation, or sell the home, this is probably not going to go over very well with his wife! Now that Bob is married, all the decisions that he used to make by himself must be made in union with his wife, and with a view to what is best for their marriage and family.
In self-giving love, a man recognizes in a profound way that his life is not his own. He has surrendered his own will to his beloved. His own plans, dreams, and preferences are not completely abandoned, but they are now put in a new perspective. They are subordinated to the good of his wife and any children that may flow from their marriage. How Bob spends his time and money and how he orders his life is no longer a matter of his own private choosing. His family becomes the primary reference point for everything he does.
This is the beauty of self-giving love. As a single man, Bob had great autonomy — he could order his life however he wanted. But because of his love, Bob freely chose to give up that autonomy, to limit his freedom, by committing himself to his wife and her good. Love is so powerful that it impels him to want to surrender his will to his beloved in this profound way.
Indeed, many marriages today would be much stronger if only we understood and remembered the kind of self-giving love that we originally signed up for. Instead of selfishly pursuing our own preferences and desires, we must remember that when we made our vows, we freely chose to surrender — we lovingly wanted to surrender — our wills to the good of our spouse and our children. As Wojtyla explains, "The fullest, the most uncompromising form of love consists precisely in self-giving, in making one's inalienable and nontransferable 'I' someone else's property" (p. 97).

The Law of the Gift
Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another" (p. 126).

Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another"

In an age of vigorous individualism, however, this profound point from Wojtyla may be difficult to understand. Why should I go outside myself to find happiness? Why would I ever want to commit myself to someone else in this radical way? Why would I want to give up the freedom to do whatever I want with my life? These are the questions of modern man.

However, from a Christian perspective, life is not about "doing whatever I want." It is about my relationships — about fulfilling my relationship with God and with the people God has placed in my life. In fact, this is where we find fulfillment in life: in living our relationships well. But to live our relationships well, we must often make sacrifices, surrendering our own will to serve the good of others. This is why we discover a deeper happiness in life when we give ourselves in this way, for we are living the way God made us to live, which is the way God Himself lives: in total, self-giving, committed love. As one of Wojtyla's favorite lines from Vatican II says, "Man finds himself only by making himself a sincere gift to others" (Gaudium et Spes, no. 24).
This statement from Vatican II is especially applicable to marriage, where self-giving love between two human persons is seen most profoundly. In committing myself to another person in betrothed love, I certainly limit my freedom to "do whatever I want." But I at the same time open myself up to an even greater freedom: the freedom to love. As Wojtyla explains, "Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom — it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love" (p. 135).
Therefore, while the modern individualist may see self-giving love in marriage as something negative and restrictive, Christians view such limitations as liberating. What I really want to do in life is to love my God, my wife and kids, and my neighbor — for in these relationships I find my happiness. And if I am to love my wife and kids and be totally committed to them, I must be free from having my selfish desires dictate my life and rule my household. In other words, I must be free from the tyranny of "doing whatever I want." Only then am I free to live the way God made me. Only then am I free to be happy. Only then am I free to love.