 Missing our weekly L&R sessions? Wish it were back before 2012 season? Here's your chance! We are all coming back together on a Tuesday night to catchup, have a drink & prepare for the Christmas Season around the corner. Join us for drinks & nibblies, and a bit of carol singing on Tuesday 29th November, followed by dinner at our favourite Cafe Broadway. There is no charge, but we'd ask y'all to RSVP via facebook asap & get your friends to rsvp as we want to have enough food & drink for some hearty celebrations. See you there! |
Wednesday 2 November 2011
L&R SYD 'Christmas Drinks & Carol Singing'
Tuesday 11 October 2011
Chapter 6 - "Love and Responsibility? Building Trust, Intimacy & a Mature Love""
Chapter Text
It is routinely pointed out that about half of all marriages end in divorce. But what is not often discussed is the other half of the equation: the marriages that don't break up. Are those marriages thriving? Do married couples that stay together feel truly close to one another? Do they achieve true, lasting, personal intimacy?
The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
 |
The picture on this other side of the divorce line is not a pretty one. Studies have shown that most couples do not feel as if they are married to a close friend. In fact, only about 1 out of 10 married couples in America say they experience emotional intimacy in their relationship.
A great marriage is not one that simply stays together. A great marriage is one in which spouses experience deep personal communion with each other. We want marriages in which people 10, 20, 30 years into their married life can say, "I love my spouse more now than I did when we were first married." For Pope John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — the key to personal communion in married life is mutual self-giving love and the accompanying sense of responsibility for each other as a gift. Indeed, this theme of responsibility is so important that he put it in the title of his book about love, marriage, and relationships between men and women. The book is not called simply Love, but Love and Responsibility.
What is this responsibility? And how can it transform relationships between spouses, fiancés, and "significant others"? That's what we will explore in this reflection.
Think about what happens in betrothed love. In our last reflection, we saw that the fullest sense of love involves two people giving themselves to each other. And this self-giving is nothing less than a total entrusting of one's self to the other person — a surrendering of one's own preferences, freedom, and will for the sake of the other.
This means that in betrothed love, my beloved totally gives herself to me. She freely and lovingly gives up her autonomy and commits her will to the good of our marriage and the good of our family. Therefore, since my beloved completely entrusts her life to me in this unique way, I must, in turn, have a profound sense of responsibility for her — for her well-being, her happiness, her emotional security, her holiness. As Wojtyla explains, "There exists in love a particular responsibility — the responsibility for a person who is drawn into the closest possible partnership in the life and activity of another, and becomes in a sense the property of whoever benefits from this gift of self" (p. 130).
Here, Wojtyla offers a standard for love that is counter-cultural: "The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is" (p. 131). Notice how he didn't say the more powerful the emotions, the more powerful the love is. The true measure for love is not how much one enjoys being with his beloved or how much pleasure he receives from her. Authentic love is not so self-centered, constantly looking inward at my own emotions and desires. Rather, true love looks outward in awe at my beloved who has entrusted herself to me, and it has a deep sense of responsibility for her good, especially in light of the fact that she has committed herself to me in this way.
 Here, Wojtyla offers a standard for love that is counter-cultural: "The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is" (p. 131). Notice how he didn't say the more powerful the emotions, the more powerful the love is. |
How is acceptance giving? In other words, in what sense is the acceptance of my beloved an actual gift to her? The insights from John Paul II's Theology of the Body will be helpful here.1 While commenting on the marriage of Adam and Eve, he explains that when Eve was first given to Adam, she was fully accepted by him, and the two became intimately united as one. "Then the man said, 'This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.' . . . Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen. 2:23-24).
Because sin had not yet entered the world, Adam did not struggle with selfishness. Thus, he loved his wife not for what he could get out of the relationship (a coworker in the garden, companionship, emotional pleasure, sexual pleasure, etc.). Rather, he loved her for who she was as a person. He accepted his wife as a tremendous gift that he would treasure and care for. He had a profound sense of responsibility for her, and he always sought what was best for her, not just his own interests. He never did anything that would hurt her.
Put yourself in Eve's shoes. Imagine having a spouse like that! Imagine how she must have felt being totally accepted in this way. Indeed, having a husband joyfully receive her as a gift and love her for her own sake was a great gift to her, for now her longing for personal communion could be fulfilled. Adam's total acceptance of Eve provided her with the security she needed to feel safe enough to entrust her heart, indeed her whole life, fully to him without any fear of being let down. In other words, his committed love and acceptance of her fostered in her the trust that makes emotional intimacy possible.2
This is the key to personal communion in marriage. Since Eve had complete trust in Adam's love for her, she never felt afraid of being used by him, being misunderstood by him, or being hurt by him. Therefore, in this context of committed love and responsibility, she felt free to give herself fully to her husband — emotionally, spiritually, physically — holding nothing back.
This is the kind of dynamic we want for our marriages: one of total trust, which makes personal intimacy possible. However, my beloved will grow to trust me — and thus unveil her heart to me — only to the extent that she senses that I am committed to her, that I totally accept her, and that I feel great responsibility for what is best for her.
This is not an easy thing to achieve. Unlike Adam and Eve in the garden, we are fallen. We are selfish, and we often do things to hurt one another that can break down trust and thus hinder intimacy. For example, when a man is more preoccupied by what he needs to do at work than he is about caring for his wife's needs, he sends a message to her that she is not a priority — that everything else is more important. This, of course, does not help build trust and only makes her feel more distant from her husband. Similarly, a wife who constantly nags her husband and criticizes him for his weaknesses, for not getting things done around the house, or for not having a better job, may make him feel disrespected or unappreciated. Such complaining will likely only drive him farther away from her emotionally.
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Wojtyla reminds us that in moments like these, our acceptance and responsibility for the other person is tested the most. Still, we should "love the person complete with all his or her virtues and faults, and up to a point independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults" (p. 135). He is not saying we should condone or ignore the sins and weaknesses of our beloved. But he is challenging us to avoid viewing our beloved through the lenses of a prosecuting attorney. Even though we are hurt, we need to look beyond the mere legal facts ("She did this to me!") and see the person, who maintains great value even in the midst of their shortcomings and sins. After all, as we have seen throughout these reflections, true love is directed to the person — not just what he or she does for me. So when the beloved is having a not-so-beautiful moment — is not pleasing to me and in fact does something to hurt me — will there still be total love and acceptance for him or her?
This is the kind of question that gets at the real measure of one's love. As Wojtyla sums up,
The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other's shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them. For the person as such never loses its essential value. The emotion which attaches itself to the value of the person remains loyal to the human being." (p. 135)This, of course, is analogous to the way the Lord loves us. Despite our many sins and failures, God remains committed to us, looking at us patiently and mercifully in the face of our faults. He puts up with us even when we do things that hurt our relationship with Him.
Therefore, if we wish to be more Christ-like in our marriages, we must first and foremost develop a deeper attitude of love and acceptance for our spouses as they are, with all their imperfections. Instead of trying to change them or becoming irritated with their faults, we must remain firmly committed to them as persons who have been entrusted to us as a gift. Our fundamental attitude toward our beloved in the midst of their weaknesses must not be one of agitation, defensiveness, or annoyance, but one of unwavering acceptance in our hearts for our spouse as he or she is, bearing patiently with his or her faults. When we do this, we begin to love as God loves.
- See John Paul II, The Theology of the Body: Human Love in the Divine Plan (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1997), especially pp. 54-72.
- While I have focused on Adam's acceptance of Eve in this short reflection, the same could be said in the other direction. Eve's total acceptance of Adam as a gift similarly serves as a gift for him, further strengthening trust and intimacy in their relationship.
Thursday 6 October 2011
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Chapter 5 - "The Law of the Gift; Understanding the Two Sides of Love"
Chapter Text
(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)
When boy meets girl, he experiences a number of powerful feelings and desires in his heart. He may find himself physically drawn to the beauty of her body or constantly thinking about her in an emotional attraction. This inner dynamic of sensual desire (sensuality) and emotional love (sentimentality) largely shapes how the man and woman interact with each other, and it is what makes romance, especially in its early stages, so thrilling for the couple involved. Wojtyla calls this first side of love the "subjective" aspect.
Yet, while this is one aspect of love, it is not to be equated with love in the fullest sense. We know from experience that we can have powerful emotions and desires for another person without in any way being committed to them or without them being truly committed to us in a relationship of love.
This is why Wojtyla puts the subjective aspect of love in its proper place. He wakes us up and reminds us that no matter how intensely we experience these sensations, it is not necessarily love, but simply "a psychological situation." In other words, on its own, the subjective aspect of love is no more than a pleasurable experience happening inside of me.
These emotions and desires are not bad, and they may develop into love and even enrich love, but we should not view them as infallible signs of authentic love. Wojtyla says, "It is impossible to judge the value of a relationship between persons merely from the intensity of their emotions. . . . Love develops on the basis of the totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person"; whereas, romantic feelings "are born spontaneously from sensual and emotional reactions. A very rich and rapid growth of such sensations may conceal a love which has failed to develop" (p. 145).
Turning Love Inward
Men and women today are quite susceptible to falling for this illusion of love, for the modern world has turned love inward, focusing primarily on the subjective aspect. In the last article, I wrote about the phenomenon of "Hollywood Love," which tells us that the stronger our feelings are the stronger our love is. Wojtyla, however, emphasizes that there is another side of love that is absolutely essential no matter how powerful our emotions and desires may be. This is what he calls love's "objective" aspect.
This aspect has a number of objective characteristics that go beyond the pleasurable feelings I experience on the subjective level. True love involves virtue, friendship, and the pursuit of a common good. In Christian marriage, for example, a husband and wife unite themselves to the common aims of helping each other grow in holiness, deepening their own union, and raising children. Furthermore, they should not only share this common goal, but also have the virtue to help each other get there.
This is why the objective aspect of love is much more than an inner look at my emotions and desires. It is much more than the enjoyment I receive from the relationship. When considering the objective aspect of love, we must discern what kind of relationship exists between me and my beloved in reality, not simply what this relationship means to me in my feelings. Does the other person truly love me more for who I am or more for the pleasure he receives from the relationship? Does my beloved understand what is truly best for me, and does she have the virtue to help me get there? Are we deeply united by a common aim, serving each other and striving together toward a common good that is higher than each of us? Or are we really just living side by side, sharing resources and occasional good times together while we each selfishly pursue our own projects and interests in life? These are the kinds of questions that get at the objective aspect of love.
Now we can see why Wojtyla says true love is "an interpersonal fact," not simply a "psychological situation." A strong relationship is based on virtue and friendship, not simply on experiencing good feelings and good times together. As Wojtyla puts it, "love as experience should be subordinated to love as virtue,—so much so that without love as virtue there can be no fullness in the experience of love" (p. 120).
Self-Giving Love
One of the chief hallmarks of the objective aspect of love is the gift of self. Wojtyla teaches that what makes betrothed love different from all other forms of love (attraction, desire, friendship) is that two people "give themselves" to each other. They are not just attracted to each other, and they do not simply desire what is good for each other. In betrothed love, each person surrenders himself entirely to the other. "When betrothed love enters into this interpersonal relationship something more than friendship results: two people give themselves each to the other" (p. 96).
Yet the very idea of self-giving love raises some important questions: How can one person really give himself to another? What does this mean? After all, Wojtyla himself teaches that each human person is utterly unique. Each person has his own mind and his own free will. In the end, no one else can think for me. No one else can choose for me. Thus, each person "is his own master" and is not able to be given over to another (p. 125). So in what sense can one person "give himself " to his beloved?
Wojtyla responds by saying that while on the natural and physical level it is impossible for one person to give himself to another, in the order of love a person can do so by choosing to limit his freedom and uniting his will to the one he loves. In other words, because of his love, a person may actually desire to give up his own free will and bind it to the other person. As Wojtya says, love "makes the person want to do just that — surrender itself to another, to the one it loves."
The Freedom to Love
For example, consider what happens when a single man becomes married. As a single man, "Bob" is able to decide what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. He sets his own schedule. He decides where he lives. He can quit a job and move to another part of the country in an instant if he so desires. He can keep his apartment messy. He can spend his money however he pleases. And he can eat when he wants, go out when he wants, and go to bed when he wants. He is used to making life decisions on his own.
Marriage, however, will significantly change Bob's life. If Bob decides all on his own to quit his job, buy a new car, go on a weekend vacation, or sell the home, this is probably not going to go over very well with his wife! Now that Bob is married, all the decisions that he used to make by himself must be made in union with his wife, and with a view to what is best for their marriage and family.
In self-giving love, a man recognizes in a profound way that his life is not his own. He has surrendered his own will to his beloved. His own plans, dreams, and preferences are not completely abandoned, but they are now put in a new perspective. They are subordinated to the good of his wife and any children that may flow from their marriage. How Bob spends his time and money and how he orders his life is no longer a matter of his own private choosing. His family becomes the primary reference point for everything he does.
This is the beauty of self-giving love. As a single man, Bob had great autonomy — he could order his life however he wanted. But because of his love, Bob freely chose to give up that autonomy, to limit his freedom, by committing himself to his wife and her good. Love is so powerful that it impels him to want to surrender his will to his beloved in this profound way.
Indeed, many marriages today would be much stronger if only we understood and remembered the kind of self-giving love that we originally signed up for. Instead of selfishly pursuing our own preferences and desires, we must remember that when we made our vows, we freely chose to surrender — we lovingly wanted to surrender — our wills to the good of our spouse and our children. As Wojtyla explains, "The fullest, the most uncompromising form of love consists precisely in self-giving, in making one's inalienable and nontransferable 'I' someone else's property" (p. 97).
The Law of the Gift
Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another" (p. 126).
In an age of vigorous individualism, however, this profound point from Wojtyla may be difficult to understand. Why should I go outside myself to find happiness? Why would I ever want to commit myself to someone else in this radical way? Why would I want to give up the freedom to do whatever I want with my life? These are the questions of modern man.
However, from a Christian perspective, life is not about "doing whatever I want." It is about my relationships — about fulfilling my relationship with God and with the people God has placed in my life. In fact, this is where we find fulfillment in life: in living our relationships well. But to live our relationships well, we must often make sacrifices, surrendering our own will to serve the good of others. This is why we discover a deeper happiness in life when we give ourselves in this way, for we are living the way God made us to live, which is the way God Himself lives: in total, self-giving, committed love. As one of Wojtyla's favorite lines from Vatican II says, "Man finds himself only by making himself a sincere gift to others" (Gaudium et Spes, no. 24).
This statement from Vatican II is especially applicable to marriage, where self-giving love between two human persons is seen most profoundly. In committing myself to another person in betrothed love, I certainly limit my freedom to "do whatever I want." But I at the same time open myself up to an even greater freedom: the freedom to love. As Wojtyla explains, "Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom — it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love" (p. 135).
Therefore, while the modern individualist may see self-giving love in marriage as something negative and restrictive, Christians view such limitations as liberating. What I really want to do in life is to love my God, my wife and kids, and my neighbor — for in these relationships I find my happiness. And if I am to love my wife and kids and be totally committed to them, I must be free from having my selfish desires dictate my life and rule my household. In other words, I must be free from the tyranny of "doing whatever I want." Only then am I free to live the way God made me. Only then am I free to be happy. Only then am I free to love.
(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)
How does a person know if he is in a relationship of authentic, committed love or just in another disappointing romance that will not stand the test of time?
The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
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That's what John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — addresses in the next section of his book, Love and Responsibility, when he discusses the two sides of love.
According to Wojtyla, there are two aspects of love, and understanding the difference is crucial for any marriage, engagement, or dating relationship. On one hand, we have what's happening inside us when we're attracted to a person of the opposite sex.When boy meets girl, he experiences a number of powerful feelings and desires in his heart. He may find himself physically drawn to the beauty of her body or constantly thinking about her in an emotional attraction. This inner dynamic of sensual desire (sensuality) and emotional love (sentimentality) largely shapes how the man and woman interact with each other, and it is what makes romance, especially in its early stages, so thrilling for the couple involved. Wojtyla calls this first side of love the "subjective" aspect.
Yet, while this is one aspect of love, it is not to be equated with love in the fullest sense. We know from experience that we can have powerful emotions and desires for another person without in any way being committed to them or without them being truly committed to us in a relationship of love.
This is why Wojtyla puts the subjective aspect of love in its proper place. He wakes us up and reminds us that no matter how intensely we experience these sensations, it is not necessarily love, but simply "a psychological situation." In other words, on its own, the subjective aspect of love is no more than a pleasurable experience happening inside of me.
These emotions and desires are not bad, and they may develop into love and even enrich love, but we should not view them as infallible signs of authentic love. Wojtyla says, "It is impossible to judge the value of a relationship between persons merely from the intensity of their emotions. . . . Love develops on the basis of the totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person"; whereas, romantic feelings "are born spontaneously from sensual and emotional reactions. A very rich and rapid growth of such sensations may conceal a love which has failed to develop" (p. 145).
Men and women today are quite susceptible to falling for this illusion of love, for the modern world has turned love inward, focusing primarily on the subjective aspect. In the last article, I wrote about the phenomenon of "Hollywood Love," which tells us that the stronger our feelings are the stronger our love is. Wojtyla, however, emphasizes that there is another side of love that is absolutely essential no matter how powerful our emotions and desires may be. This is what he calls love's "objective" aspect.
| When considering the objective aspect of love, we must discern what kind of relationship exists between me and my beloved in reality, not simply what this relationship means to me in my feelings. Does the other person truly love me more for who I am or more for the pleasure he receives from the relationship? Does my beloved understand what is truly best for me, and does she have the virtue to help me get there? |
This is why the objective aspect of love is much more than an inner look at my emotions and desires. It is much more than the enjoyment I receive from the relationship. When considering the objective aspect of love, we must discern what kind of relationship exists between me and my beloved in reality, not simply what this relationship means to me in my feelings. Does the other person truly love me more for who I am or more for the pleasure he receives from the relationship? Does my beloved understand what is truly best for me, and does she have the virtue to help me get there? Are we deeply united by a common aim, serving each other and striving together toward a common good that is higher than each of us? Or are we really just living side by side, sharing resources and occasional good times together while we each selfishly pursue our own projects and interests in life? These are the kinds of questions that get at the objective aspect of love.
Now we can see why Wojtyla says true love is "an interpersonal fact," not simply a "psychological situation." A strong relationship is based on virtue and friendship, not simply on experiencing good feelings and good times together. As Wojtyla puts it, "love as experience should be subordinated to love as virtue,—so much so that without love as virtue there can be no fullness in the experience of love" (p. 120).
One of the chief hallmarks of the objective aspect of love is the gift of self. Wojtyla teaches that what makes betrothed love different from all other forms of love (attraction, desire, friendship) is that two people "give themselves" to each other. They are not just attracted to each other, and they do not simply desire what is good for each other. In betrothed love, each person surrenders himself entirely to the other. "When betrothed love enters into this interpersonal relationship something more than friendship results: two people give themselves each to the other" (p. 96).
Yet the very idea of self-giving love raises some important questions: How can one person really give himself to another? What does this mean? After all, Wojtyla himself teaches that each human person is utterly unique. Each person has his own mind and his own free will. In the end, no one else can think for me. No one else can choose for me. Thus, each person "is his own master" and is not able to be given over to another (p. 125). So in what sense can one person "give himself " to his beloved?
Wojtyla responds by saying that while on the natural and physical level it is impossible for one person to give himself to another, in the order of love a person can do so by choosing to limit his freedom and uniting his will to the one he loves. In other words, because of his love, a person may actually desire to give up his own free will and bind it to the other person. As Wojtya says, love "makes the person want to do just that — surrender itself to another, to the one it loves."
For example, consider what happens when a single man becomes married. As a single man, "Bob" is able to decide what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. He sets his own schedule. He decides where he lives. He can quit a job and move to another part of the country in an instant if he so desires. He can keep his apartment messy. He can spend his money however he pleases. And he can eat when he wants, go out when he wants, and go to bed when he wants. He is used to making life decisions on his own.
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Marriage, however, will significantly change Bob's life. If Bob decides all on his own to quit his job, buy a new car, go on a weekend vacation, or sell the home, this is probably not going to go over very well with his wife! Now that Bob is married, all the decisions that he used to make by himself must be made in union with his wife, and with a view to what is best for their marriage and family.
In self-giving love, a man recognizes in a profound way that his life is not his own. He has surrendered his own will to his beloved. His own plans, dreams, and preferences are not completely abandoned, but they are now put in a new perspective. They are subordinated to the good of his wife and any children that may flow from their marriage. How Bob spends his time and money and how he orders his life is no longer a matter of his own private choosing. His family becomes the primary reference point for everything he does.
This is the beauty of self-giving love. As a single man, Bob had great autonomy — he could order his life however he wanted. But because of his love, Bob freely chose to give up that autonomy, to limit his freedom, by committing himself to his wife and her good. Love is so powerful that it impels him to want to surrender his will to his beloved in this profound way.
Indeed, many marriages today would be much stronger if only we understood and remembered the kind of self-giving love that we originally signed up for. Instead of selfishly pursuing our own preferences and desires, we must remember that when we made our vows, we freely chose to surrender — we lovingly wanted to surrender — our wills to the good of our spouse and our children. As Wojtyla explains, "The fullest, the most uncompromising form of love consists precisely in self-giving, in making one's inalienable and nontransferable 'I' someone else's property" (p. 97).
Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another" (p. 126).
| Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another" |
However, from a Christian perspective, life is not about "doing whatever I want." It is about my relationships — about fulfilling my relationship with God and with the people God has placed in my life. In fact, this is where we find fulfillment in life: in living our relationships well. But to live our relationships well, we must often make sacrifices, surrendering our own will to serve the good of others. This is why we discover a deeper happiness in life when we give ourselves in this way, for we are living the way God made us to live, which is the way God Himself lives: in total, self-giving, committed love. As one of Wojtyla's favorite lines from Vatican II says, "Man finds himself only by making himself a sincere gift to others" (Gaudium et Spes, no. 24).
This statement from Vatican II is especially applicable to marriage, where self-giving love between two human persons is seen most profoundly. In committing myself to another person in betrothed love, I certainly limit my freedom to "do whatever I want." But I at the same time open myself up to an even greater freedom: the freedom to love. As Wojtyla explains, "Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom — it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love" (p. 135).
Therefore, while the modern individualist may see self-giving love in marriage as something negative and restrictive, Christians view such limitations as liberating. What I really want to do in life is to love my God, my wife and kids, and my neighbor — for in these relationships I find my happiness. And if I am to love my wife and kids and be totally committed to them, I must be free from having my selfish desires dictate my life and rule my household. In other words, I must be free from the tyranny of "doing whatever I want." Only then am I free to live the way God made me. Only then am I free to be happy. Only then am I free to love.
Chapter 4 - "Sense & Sentimentality; The Proper Role of the Emotions" Tues 4th Oct, 6pm
Chapter Text
(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)
A Sinking Ship
Avoiding the Question of Truth
Is It Really So?
Out of Proportion
Using People Emotionally
Disillusionment
(Catholic Edu Resource Center - Online Text)
How could Mr. Right turn out to be so wrong? Many young people have had the experience of feeling that they were in love with someone who at first seemed absolutely wonderful, only later to be greatly disappointed in the person, disillusioned about the relationship, and perhaps even down on the opposite sex as a whole.
The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
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In his book Love and Responsibility, John Paul II — then Karol Wojtyla — explains why this often happens to men and women and how we can avoid such disillusionment in the future.
More Than Physical
In the last issue, we considered one powerful aspect of the attraction between men and women: sensuality. And we saw how this physical attraction is often characterized by a longing to enjoy the body of another person as an object of pleasure.
There is a second kind of attraction, however, that goes beyond physical desire for the body. Wojtyla calls it "sentimentality." This represents more of an emotional attraction between the sexes.
For example, when boy meets girl, in addition to noticing her "good looks," he also may find himself powerfully drawn to her femininity, her warm personality, her kindness — or as Wojtyla calls it, her feminine "charm." Similarly, when girl meets boy, she not only may recognize that he is handsome, but also may find herself having strong feelings and admiration for his masculinity, his virtue, the way he carries himself — or as Wojtyla calls it, his masculine "strength."
Such emotional reactions toward persons of the opposite sex happen all the time. They can develop gradually between a man and a woman, or they can happen in the first instant they meet each other. We may experience sentimental affection for a spouse, a coworker, or long-time friend. Or we may experience it toward a person we're introduced to at a meeting, a stranger we see at the mall, or even a fictional character we watch on TV.
Sentimentality can become part of what leads to authentic love. But if we are not careful, we can easily become enslaved to our emotions in ways that prevent us from truly being able to love other persons.
A Sinking Ship
Love should integrate our emotions. In its fullest form, love is not meant to be a cold, calculated decision, devoid of feelings. A spouse saying, "Honey, I love you. I have no feelings at all for you, but know that I am committed to you," is not the ideal situation. Our emotions are meant to be caught up into our commitment to our beloved, thus enriching the relationship and giving us an even deeper experience of union with the other person (cf., p. 75). As Wojtyla explains, "Sentimental love keeps two people close together, binds them — even if they are physically far apart — to move in each other's orbit. . . . A person in this state of mind remains mentally always close to the person with whom he or she has ties of affection" (p. 110).
| This is why Wojtyla stresses that in any emotional attraction, the question of truth about the person is crucial: "Is it really so?" We should be asking ourselves, "Does he or she really have these qualities and virtues I'm so attracted to?" |
However, Wojtyla is concerned that people today often think of love only in terms of feelings. His concerns seem all the more applicable for a culture like ours, in which love songs, romance films, and TV shows constantly play with our emotions and get us to long for quick, emotionally thrilling relationships like the ones Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan seem to find in the movies.
Real love, however, is very different from "Hollywood love." Real love requires much effort. It is a virtue that involves sacrifice, responsibility, and a total commitment to the other person. "Hollywood love" is an emotion. It's something that just happens to you. The focus is not on a commitment to another person, but on what is happening inside you — the powerful good feelings you experience when you're with this other person.
The Titanic phenomenon of the late 1990s demonstrates how many people have bought into the illusion of "Hollywood love." Millions of young Americans returned again and again to experience the intensely emotional romance between the two main characters in this film — a romance that is developed between two people who really don't know each other and have no true commitment to each other, yet is deeply felt by viewers to be the ideal kind of love that would have lasted a lifetime. With this kind of a model to imitate, it's no wonder so many of our real-life relationships are ending in a shipwreck.
Of course, our feelings can and should be incorporated into a more fully developed love (a theme we will explore in subsequent articles). However, when we are carried away by our emotions, we end up avoiding a very important question that is crucial for the long-term stability of a relationship: the question of truth. We must first and foremost consider the truth about the other person and the truth about the quality of our relationship with him or her.
Avoiding the Question of Truth
One danger of making feelings a measure for our love is that our feelings can be very misleading. In fact, Wojtyla says feelings themselves are "blind," for they are not concerned with knowing the truth about the other person. Thus, our feelings alone do not make a good compass for guiding our relationships.
He explains that we discover truth through using our reason. I know 2 + 2 = 4 not because I feel it equals 4. I come to certainty about this truth through my reason. Our feelings, on the other hand, do not have the job of seeking truth, Wojtyla says.
Therefore, our feelings will not be as helpful of a guide for seeing the honest truth about another person and the truth about a relationship. "Feelings arise spontaneously — the attraction which one person feels towards another often begins suddenly and unexpectedly — but this reaction is in effect 'blind'" (p. 77).
This becomes especially clear when we consider what happened to our emotions after the fall. Before sin entered the world, man's intellect easily directed his will to choose what is good and to guide his emotions so that his passions would be directed toward that good.
After the fall, however, the intellect does not see the truth clearly, the will is weakened in its resolve to pursue what is good, and our emotions are no longer properly ordered and are left going in many different directions. Hence, we now experience much instability in the emotional sphere and many chaotic ups and downs (lovehate, hope-fear, joy-sadness, etc.) throughout our lives. Yet, quite ironically, the modern view of love tells us to turn precisely to our "feelings" — to look right in the middle of this emotional roller coaster ride — to find an infallible measure of our love. No wonder there is so much confusion and instability in relationships today!
Is It Really So?
Furthermore, not only do feelings not have the task of seeking truth, but feelings also can be so powerful that they cloud the way we think about a person. Wojtyla explains that when we are carried away by our emotions, sentimentality may hinder our ability to know that person as he or she really is.
|
This is why Wojtyla stresses that in any emotional attraction, the question of truth about the person is crucial: "Is it really so?" We should be asking ourselves, "Does he or she really have these qualities and virtues I'm so attracted to?" "Are we really as good of a fit for one another as I feel we are?" "Is he or she truly worthy of all my trust?" "Is there a problem in our relationship that I'm overlooking?"
Our feelings do not address these important questions. In fact, our feelings often get us to avoid these questions, leaving us with a distorted and exaggerated perception of the person.
"This is why in any attraction . . . the question of the truth about the person towards whom it is felt is so important. We must reckon with the tendency, produced by the whole dynamic of emotional life, for the [person] to divert the question 'is it really so?' In these circumstances the [person] does not enquire whether the other person really possess the values visible to partial eyes, but mainly whether the newborn feeling for that person is a true emotion" (p. 78).This, again, does not mean that feelings are bad. But they cannot be the primary criterion for discerning the honest truth about another person or for clearly evaluating a relationship.
Out of Proportion
This tendency to be swept away by our emotions and to avoid questions of truth is characteristic of sentimental love. We tend to exaggerate the value of the person we have feelings for, downplay their faults, and ignore any problems we have in the relationship.
Here, Wojtyla makes an amazing statement about how much our feelings can control our perception of the person to whom we're so attracted. "In the eyes of a person sentimentally committed to another person, the value of the beloved . . . grows enormously — as a rule out of all proportion to his or her real value."
Did you catch that? Wojtyla doesn't say that in the beginning stages of sentimental love we might sometimes exaggerate the value of the person. He says this happens as a rule — we do it all the time! And he didn't say that we tend to exaggerate the person's value only slightly. We tend to idealize the value of the person "out of all proportion" to whom he or she is in reality!
Therefore, we must enter relationships with our eyes wide open. If we naively say we're not idealizing the other person at all, it's probably a sign of how far we have already drifted from reality. In these beginning stages of love, if we are so quick to notice our favorite three or four qualities in our beloved, we should be just as quick to admit that we are likely falling into the tendency to exaggerate these qualities. As Wojtyla explains, "A variety of values are bestowed upon the [beloved] which he or she does not necessarily possess in reality. These are ideal values, not real ones" (p. 112).
Why do we tend to idealize those we're attracted to? These "ideal values" are the ones that we long, with all our heart, to find in another person someday. They exist in our deepest wishes, desires, and dreams. When we finally meet someone with whom there is the slightest bit of chemistry, our emotions tend to rapidly call up these ideal values and project them onto that person.
Using People Emotionally
| When we speak of a man using a woman, we tend to think of this in terms of him using her for sexual pleasure. However, Wojtyla highlights that men and women can use each other for emotional pleasure as well. |
When we speak of a man using a woman, we tend to think of this in terms of him using her for sexual pleasure. However, Wojtyla highlights that men and women can use each other for emotional pleasure as well. A devoutly Christian man and woman can have a completely chaste dating relationship, but still be using each other for the "good feelings" they experience when together, for the emotional security of having a boyfriend/girlfriend, or for the pleasure they derive from imagining their wedding day with this other person and hoping the other will finally be "the one."
If I fall into such sentimental idealization, my beloved is not truly the recipient of my affections. Rather, the other person is more of an opportunity for me to enjoy these powerful emotional reactions stirring within my heart. In this case, I do not truly love the person for her own sake, but I end up using her for the emotional pleasure I derive from being with her. As Wojtyla explains, the beloved who is idealized "becomes merely the occasion for an eruption in the [person's] emotional consciousness of the values which he or she longs with all his heart to find in another person" (p. 112).
Disillusionment
Perhaps the most tragic effect of sentimental idealization is that we end up not even really knowing the person we're so attracted to. For example, a man in sentimental love may seek to be close to his beloved, spend a lot of time with her, talk with her, and even go to Mass with her and pray with her. However, if he has idealized her, in reality, he remains quite distant from her — for the powerful affection he feels for her does not depend on her true value, but only on the "ideal values" that he has projected onto her.
Inevitably, this unchecked sentimentality will end in great disillusionment. For when the real person cannot live up to the ideal, the strong feelings will begin to wane, and there will not be much left for the relationship to stand on. The lover will be quite disappointed in their beloved (p. 113). Hence, even though the couple may give every outward appearance of being emotionally close to each other, they remain in fact quite divided from each other (p. 114). They may not really know each other personally, and they may even be using each other for the emotional pleasure they derive from such idealization.
Monday 26 September 2011
Article: "Notre Dame follows New York's lead on Love & Responsibility"
By Elizabeth FenechThe University of Notre Dame Australia, Sydney Campus
16th September 2011
Last Tuesday night marked the successful beginning of Love and Responsibility in Sydney, a series of discussions for students and young professionals aimed at understanding love and relationships within a context of Catholic teaching.
Over 130 students attended the event, which was held in the Courtyard of The University of Notre Dame Australia, Sydney Campus. The University welcomed students from ACU and the Sydney Chaplaincies.
Each week, a new topic is dissected, with the discussion based on the chapters of Love and Responsibility, a philosophical text written by Blessed Pope John Paul II.
The inaugural event was themed “The Foundations of Friendship” and the second meeting will see the audience discuss Chapter Two of the text, “Beyond the Sexual Urge.”
Event organiser and Student Chaplaincy Convenor at Notre Dame, Sydney, Jessica Langrell said the event was inspired by the Love and Responsibility event held in New York City.
“The American event was hugely successful and received a lot of interest from young adults,” she said.
“We wanted to provide a casual yet challenging weekly discussion group for personal formation and growth in terms of living out genuine relationships and authentic friendships,” Ms Langrell said.
Alison Collet, an Arts/Education student at the University, attended the event and said she would recommend it to other young people.
“It was a great night! With over 130 young people all in the one spot, discussing the one topic you are bound to learn something new and reaffirm your own views,” Ms Collet said.
“If you're up for a night of good conversation, fellowship and spirited discussion, then the L&R conference is for you! It's a really relaxed and informal environment so you can come late if you're coming back from work or class and there are always opportunities to meet people if you don't know anyone else there!”
Love and Responsibility in Sydney is hosted by the Chaplaincy of The University of Notre Dame Australia; Life, Marriage and Family Centre, Catholic Archdiocese of Sydney; University of Sydney Chaplaincy and; Theology on Tap, Sydney.
The event will take place over the next five weeks. The group will meet every Tuesday evening up to and including 18 October, between 6pm and 8pm, in the Courtyard of The University of Notre Dame Australia, Broadway site. Complimentary drinks and nibbles are provided and all are welcome to attend.
Follow the thoughts of the group of young people on the Love and Responsibility Facebook site: http://www.facebook.com/loveandresponsibility.
For further information please contact:
Communications Officer, Elizabeth Fenech
The University of Notre Dame Australia, Sydney Campus
T: 02 8204 4407
E: elizabeth.fenech@nd.edu.au
W: www.nd.edu.au/
Last Tuesday night marked the successful beginning of Love and Responsibility in Sydney, a series of discussions for students and young professionals aimed at understanding love and relationships within a context of Catholic teaching.
Over 130 students attended the event, which was held in the Courtyard of The University of Notre Dame Australia, Sydney Campus. The University welcomed students from ACU and the Sydney Chaplaincies.
Each week, a new topic is dissected, with the discussion based on the chapters of Love and Responsibility, a philosophical text written by Blessed Pope John Paul II.
The inaugural event was themed “The Foundations of Friendship” and the second meeting will see the audience discuss Chapter Two of the text, “Beyond the Sexual Urge.”
Event organiser and Student Chaplaincy Convenor at Notre Dame, Sydney, Jessica Langrell said the event was inspired by the Love and Responsibility event held in New York City.
“The American event was hugely successful and received a lot of interest from young adults,” she said.
“We wanted to provide a casual yet challenging weekly discussion group for personal formation and growth in terms of living out genuine relationships and authentic friendships,” Ms Langrell said.
Alison Collet, an Arts/Education student at the University, attended the event and said she would recommend it to other young people.
“It was a great night! With over 130 young people all in the one spot, discussing the one topic you are bound to learn something new and reaffirm your own views,” Ms Collet said.
“If you're up for a night of good conversation, fellowship and spirited discussion, then the L&R conference is for you! It's a really relaxed and informal environment so you can come late if you're coming back from work or class and there are always opportunities to meet people if you don't know anyone else there!”
Love and Responsibility in Sydney is hosted by the Chaplaincy of The University of Notre Dame Australia; Life, Marriage and Family Centre, Catholic Archdiocese of Sydney; University of Sydney Chaplaincy and; Theology on Tap, Sydney.
The event will take place over the next five weeks. The group will meet every Tuesday evening up to and including 18 October, between 6pm and 8pm, in the Courtyard of The University of Notre Dame Australia, Broadway site. Complimentary drinks and nibbles are provided and all are welcome to attend.
Follow the thoughts of the group of young people on the Love and Responsibility Facebook site: http://www.facebook.com/loveandresponsibility.
For further information please contact:
Communications Officer, Elizabeth Fenech
The University of Notre Dame Australia, Sydney Campus
T: 02 8204 4407
E: elizabeth.fenech@nd.edu.au
W: www.nd.edu.au/
Chapter 3 - "Avoiding Fatal Attractions" Tues 27th Sep, 6pm
"Avoiding Fatal Attractions" - Chapter Text
(Catholic Edu. Resource Center - online text)
A man eating lunch at a restaurant notices an attractive woman at another table, and is immediately drawn to her beauty. His heart stirs, and he finds himself wanting to see her again.
Yet, this is not the first time she has caught his eye. And his attraction to her is more than physical. She works for the same large company, and he has been drawn to her warm personality, her cheerful smile and her kindness toward others. He is taken in by her alluring personality as much as by her natural beauty.
Basic attractions like this happen all the time between men and women. Sometimes they are felt very quickly: A man standing in line at a store may immediately find himself attracted to a woman he sees walking by. A woman at church may notice a man praying after Mass and find herself wondering about him the rest of the day. Sometimes deeply felt attractions take a longer time to develop: A man and a woman who were friends or colleagues for several months may gradually find themselves attracted to one another emotionally and physically.
In his book Love and Responsibility, John Paul II analyzes the anatomy of an attraction. What is really happening when men and women find themselves attracted to one another?
The Anatomy of an Attraction
Let's begin by explaining a few of the Pope's terms. At the most basic level, to attract someone means to be regarded by that person as a good (p. 74). In turn, to be attracted to someone else means that I perceive some value in that person (such as their beauty, virtue, personality, etc.), and I respond to that value. This attraction involves the senses, the mind, the will, the emotions, and our desires.
The reason men and women are so easily attracted to each other is because of the sexual urge. Recall that the sexual urge is the tendency to seek the opposite sex. With the sexual urge, we are particularly oriented toward the physiological and psychological qualities of a person of the opposite sex – their body and their masculinity or femininity. John Paul II calls these physical and psychological qualities the "sexual values" of a person.
Therefore, a person is easily attracted to someone of the opposite sex in two ways: physically and emotionally. First, a man is attracted physically to the body of a woman, and a woman is attracted to the body of a man. The Pope calls this attraction to the body sensuality.
Second, a man is also attracted emotionally to the femininity of a woman, and the woman is emotionally attracted to the masculinity of a man. The Pope calls this emotional attraction sentimentality.
In the next issue of Lay Witness, we will consider the role of the emotions and sentimentality. In this present article, we will focus on the sensual attraction men and women experience for one another.
Sense and Sensuality
As we have seen, sensuality is concerned with the sexual value connected to the body of a person of the opposite sex. Such an attraction is not bad in itself because the sexual urge is meant to draw us not simply toward the body, but the body of a person. Hence, an initial sensual reaction is meant to orient us toward personal communion (not just bodily union), and can serve as an ingredient of authentic love if it is integrated with the higher, nobler aspects of love – such as good will, friendship, virtue, or self-giving commitment (p. 108).
Nevertheless, the Pope says that sensual attractions, on their own, can lead to great dangers. First, "sensuality by itself is not love and may very easily become its opposite" (p. 108). The reason sensuality can be so dangerous is that, on its own, it can easily fall into utilitarianism. When only sensuality is stirred, we experience the body of the other person as "a potential object of enjoyment." We reduce the person to their physical qualities – their good looks, their body. And we view the person primarily in terms of the pleasure we can experience from those qualities.
What is most tragic here is that sensual desire, which is meant to orient us toward communion with the person of the opposite sex, can actually keep us from loving that person. A man, for example, may sensuously ponder in his mind or actively seek the body of a woman as a means for sexual gratification. And he may do this without any real interest in her as a person. He can focus on her sexual values – and the pleasure he derives from those values – to the point that his sensuous attraction to her body actually keeps him from responding to her value as a person. This is why the Pope says sensuality by itself is blinding to the person. "Sensuality in itself has a 'consumer orientation' – it is directed primarily and immediately towards a 'body': it touches the person only indirectly, and tends to avoid direct contact" (p. 105).
Love Chocolate?
Second, the Pope says sensuality on its own not only misses the person, but even fails to grasp the true beauty of the body. He explains how beauty is experienced through contemplation, not the stirring desire to exploit. When contemplating the splendor of a landscape, a sunset, a piece of music or a work of art, one is taken in by the beauty. This contemplation of beauty brings peace and joy. This is very different from a "consumer attitude" to exploit an object for pleasure – an attitude which brings unrest, impatience, and an intense desire for satisfaction.
Perhaps an analogy will be helpful here. I once had the opportunity to see the work of a "chocolate artist." The artist had on display dozens of elaborate sculptures of ships, flowers, birds, towers, and buildings. What made these large sculptures so impressive is that they were all made of black, brown, and white chocolate!
There are two different attitudes I could have toward these chocolate sculptures. On one hand, I could gaze upon them as works of art, admiring their beauty and allowing myself to be taken in by their immensity, their perfect proportions, the intricate details, and the workmanship, marveling that these delicate masterpieces were made out of sugar and cocoa.
On the other hand, I could ignore the fact that these sculptures are beautiful pieces of art to be contemplated, and view them primarily as candies to be devoured – good tasting chocolates that would satisfy my cravings! This latter approach, however, would be a degradation of the confectioner's masterpieces, reducing them to mere objects to be exploited for my own pleasure.
Similarly, sensuality on its own fails to see the human body as a beautiful masterpiece of God's creation, for it reduces the body to being an object to be exploited to satisfy one's own sensuous cravings. "Thus, sensuality really interferes with the apprehension of the beautiful, even of bodily, sensual beauty, for it introduces a consumer attitude to the object: 'the body' is then regarded as a potential object of exploitation" (pp. 106-107).
Michelangelo and Playboy
This also helps explain one big difference between pornography and good classical art that depicts the nakedness of a person. Both Playboy magazine and some art in the Vatican Museum, for example, may present the sexual organs of the human body. In fact, some in the pornography industry say their pictures are just another form of art, portraying the beauty of the body. Some defenders of pornography have even asked why the Church condemns pornography but allows nakedness depicted in some of its own museums!
The pornography of Playboy, however, does not draw attention to the beauty of the human body. It draws attention to the body as an object to be used for one's own sexual satisfaction. In the end, it is a reduction of the human person to the sexual value of the body. On the contrary, good art depicting the body as beautiful is not a reduction of the person, but an enlarging of the person, leading us to contemplate the mystery of the human person as a masterpiece in God's creation.
Good art leads us to a peaceful contemplation of the true, the good, and the beautiful, including the truth, goodness, and beauty of the human body. Pornography, on the other hand, does not lead us to such contemplation, but rather stirs in us a sensuous craving for the body of another person as an object to be exploited for our own pleasure. Put simply: There probably aren't many men who have fallen into sin by gazing upon Michelangelo's famous portrayals of Adam and Eve in the Sistine Chapel. But there probably aren't many men who have not fallen into lustful thoughts when looking at pictures in Playboy.1
Enslaved to Sensuality
A third reason John Paul II is concerned about sensuality is that, if it is left unchecked, we will become enslaved to everything that stimulates our sensual desire. For example, a man given in to sensuality finds his will so weakened that he is led around by whatever sexual values appear most immediately to his senses. Whenever he encounters a woman dressed a certain way, he cannot help but glance at her with impure thoughts. Whenever he sees images of women on TV, on the Internet, or on highway billboards, he cannot resist looking at them, as he hankers after the sexual value of the woman and wants to enjoy the pleasure he can derive from his glances.
Especially in a highly sexualized culture like ours, we are constantly bombarded with sexual images exploiting our sensuality, getting us to focus on the body of the opposite sex. Indeed, we can easily find ourselves enslaved, bouncing from one sexual value, to the next, to the next as they appear before our senses. As John Paul II points out, sensuality on its own "is characteristically fickle, turning wherever it finds that value, whenever a 'possible object of enjoyment' appears" (p. 108).
"I Can Look, But Can't Touch"
Furthermore, in one of his most profound points in this section, the Pope warns that one can use a person's body even when that person is not physically present. A man, for example, does not need to see, hear, or touch a woman to exploit her body for his own sensuous pleasure. Through his memory and imagination, he "can make contact even with the 'body' of a person not physically present, experiencing the value of that body to the extent that it constitutes a 'possible object of enjoyment'" (pp. 108-9).
We live in a culture where many men say to themselves, "What's wrong with having lustful thoughts about a woman? I'm not hurting anyone when I do that!" Even some married men may think, "I'm not committing adultery when I look at another woman this way. I'm still faithful to my wife. I can look; I just can't touch." However, we must remember Christ's stern words about this matter: "Every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Mt. 5:28).
John Paul II's insights help explain what is really happening when men look lustfully at women and why consenting to impure thoughts and sexual fantasies is always morally wrong and degrading to women. In the mind of a lustful man, the woman is reduced to the sexual value of her body. He treats her not as a person, but as a body to be exploited for his own pleasure in his glances and in his thoughts. And this can happen even when the woman is not around at all, for he can still make contact with her body to exploit her for his own sexual satisfaction in his memory and in his imagination. This is crass utilitarianism – a far cry from authentic love.
In summary, John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be "raw material" for the development of true love. But this yearning for the sexual value of the body must be supplemented by other nobler elements of love, such as good will, friendship, virtue, total commitment, and self-giving love (themes to be discussed in subsequent articles). If sensuality is not carefully integrated with these higher elements of love, sensual desire will be harmful for a relationship. In fact, it can destroy love between a man and woman, and it can even prevent love from ever developing between a man and a woman.
(Catholic Edu. Resource Center - online text)
A man eating lunch at a restaurant notices an attractive woman at another table, and is immediately drawn to her beauty. His heart stirs, and he finds himself wanting to see her again.
Yet, this is not the first time she has caught his eye. And his attraction to her is more than physical. She works for the same large company, and he has been drawn to her warm personality, her cheerful smile and her kindness toward others. He is taken in by her alluring personality as much as by her natural beauty.
Basic attractions like this happen all the time between men and women. Sometimes they are felt very quickly: A man standing in line at a store may immediately find himself attracted to a woman he sees walking by. A woman at church may notice a man praying after Mass and find herself wondering about him the rest of the day. Sometimes deeply felt attractions take a longer time to develop: A man and a woman who were friends or colleagues for several months may gradually find themselves attracted to one another emotionally and physically.
In his book Love and Responsibility, John Paul II analyzes the anatomy of an attraction. What is really happening when men and women find themselves attracted to one another?
The Anatomy of an Attraction
Let's begin by explaining a few of the Pope's terms. At the most basic level, to attract someone means to be regarded by that person as a good (p. 74). In turn, to be attracted to someone else means that I perceive some value in that person (such as their beauty, virtue, personality, etc.), and I respond to that value. This attraction involves the senses, the mind, the will, the emotions, and our desires.
Basic attractions like this happen all the time between men and women. Sometimes they are felt very quickly: A man standing in line at a store may immediately find himself attracted to a woman he sees walking by. A woman at church may notice a man praying after Mass and find herself wondering about him the rest of the day. |
Therefore, a person is easily attracted to someone of the opposite sex in two ways: physically and emotionally. First, a man is attracted physically to the body of a woman, and a woman is attracted to the body of a man. The Pope calls this attraction to the body sensuality.
Second, a man is also attracted emotionally to the femininity of a woman, and the woman is emotionally attracted to the masculinity of a man. The Pope calls this emotional attraction sentimentality.
In the next issue of Lay Witness, we will consider the role of the emotions and sentimentality. In this present article, we will focus on the sensual attraction men and women experience for one another.
Sense and Sensuality
As we have seen, sensuality is concerned with the sexual value connected to the body of a person of the opposite sex. Such an attraction is not bad in itself because the sexual urge is meant to draw us not simply toward the body, but the body of a person. Hence, an initial sensual reaction is meant to orient us toward personal communion (not just bodily union), and can serve as an ingredient of authentic love if it is integrated with the higher, nobler aspects of love – such as good will, friendship, virtue, or self-giving commitment (p. 108).
Nevertheless, the Pope says that sensual attractions, on their own, can lead to great dangers. First, "sensuality by itself is not love and may very easily become its opposite" (p. 108). The reason sensuality can be so dangerous is that, on its own, it can easily fall into utilitarianism. When only sensuality is stirred, we experience the body of the other person as "a potential object of enjoyment." We reduce the person to their physical qualities – their good looks, their body. And we view the person primarily in terms of the pleasure we can experience from those qualities.
What is most tragic here is that sensual desire, which is meant to orient us toward communion with the person of the opposite sex, can actually keep us from loving that person. A man, for example, may sensuously ponder in his mind or actively seek the body of a woman as a means for sexual gratification. And he may do this without any real interest in her as a person. He can focus on her sexual values – and the pleasure he derives from those values – to the point that his sensuous attraction to her body actually keeps him from responding to her value as a person. This is why the Pope says sensuality by itself is blinding to the person. "Sensuality in itself has a 'consumer orientation' – it is directed primarily and immediately towards a 'body': it touches the person only indirectly, and tends to avoid direct contact" (p. 105).
Love Chocolate?
Second, the Pope says sensuality on its own not only misses the person, but even fails to grasp the true beauty of the body. He explains how beauty is experienced through contemplation, not the stirring desire to exploit. When contemplating the splendor of a landscape, a sunset, a piece of music or a work of art, one is taken in by the beauty. This contemplation of beauty brings peace and joy. This is very different from a "consumer attitude" to exploit an object for pleasure – an attitude which brings unrest, impatience, and an intense desire for satisfaction.
Perhaps an analogy will be helpful here. I once had the opportunity to see the work of a "chocolate artist." The artist had on display dozens of elaborate sculptures of ships, flowers, birds, towers, and buildings. What made these large sculptures so impressive is that they were all made of black, brown, and white chocolate!
|
On the other hand, I could ignore the fact that these sculptures are beautiful pieces of art to be contemplated, and view them primarily as candies to be devoured – good tasting chocolates that would satisfy my cravings! This latter approach, however, would be a degradation of the confectioner's masterpieces, reducing them to mere objects to be exploited for my own pleasure.
Similarly, sensuality on its own fails to see the human body as a beautiful masterpiece of God's creation, for it reduces the body to being an object to be exploited to satisfy one's own sensuous cravings. "Thus, sensuality really interferes with the apprehension of the beautiful, even of bodily, sensual beauty, for it introduces a consumer attitude to the object: 'the body' is then regarded as a potential object of exploitation" (pp. 106-107).
Michelangelo and Playboy
This also helps explain one big difference between pornography and good classical art that depicts the nakedness of a person. Both Playboy magazine and some art in the Vatican Museum, for example, may present the sexual organs of the human body. In fact, some in the pornography industry say their pictures are just another form of art, portraying the beauty of the body. Some defenders of pornography have even asked why the Church condemns pornography but allows nakedness depicted in some of its own museums!
The pornography of Playboy, however, does not draw attention to the beauty of the human body. It draws attention to the body as an object to be used for one's own sexual satisfaction. In the end, it is a reduction of the human person to the sexual value of the body. On the contrary, good art depicting the body as beautiful is not a reduction of the person, but an enlarging of the person, leading us to contemplate the mystery of the human person as a masterpiece in God's creation.
Good art leads us to a peaceful contemplation of the true, the good, and the beautiful, including the truth, goodness, and beauty of the human body. Pornography, on the other hand, does not lead us to such contemplation, but rather stirs in us a sensuous craving for the body of another person as an object to be exploited for our own pleasure. Put simply: There probably aren't many men who have fallen into sin by gazing upon Michelangelo's famous portrayals of Adam and Eve in the Sistine Chapel. But there probably aren't many men who have not fallen into lustful thoughts when looking at pictures in Playboy.1
Enslaved to Sensuality
A third reason John Paul II is concerned about sensuality is that, if it is left unchecked, we will become enslaved to everything that stimulates our sensual desire. For example, a man given in to sensuality finds his will so weakened that he is led around by whatever sexual values appear most immediately to his senses. Whenever he encounters a woman dressed a certain way, he cannot help but glance at her with impure thoughts. Whenever he sees images of women on TV, on the Internet, or on highway billboards, he cannot resist looking at them, as he hankers after the sexual value of the woman and wants to enjoy the pleasure he can derive from his glances.
Especially in a highly sexualized culture like ours, we are constantly bombarded with sexual images exploiting our sensuality, getting us to focus on the body of the opposite sex. Indeed, we can easily find ourselves enslaved, bouncing from one sexual value, to the next, to the next as they appear before our senses. As John Paul II points out, sensuality on its own "is characteristically fickle, turning wherever it finds that value, whenever a 'possible object of enjoyment' appears" (p. 108).
"I Can Look, But Can't Touch"
Furthermore, in one of his most profound points in this section, the Pope warns that one can use a person's body even when that person is not physically present. A man, for example, does not need to see, hear, or touch a woman to exploit her body for his own sensuous pleasure. Through his memory and imagination, he "can make contact even with the 'body' of a person not physically present, experiencing the value of that body to the extent that it constitutes a 'possible object of enjoyment'" (pp. 108-9).
John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be "raw material" for the development of true love. |
John Paul II's insights help explain what is really happening when men look lustfully at women and why consenting to impure thoughts and sexual fantasies is always morally wrong and degrading to women. In the mind of a lustful man, the woman is reduced to the sexual value of her body. He treats her not as a person, but as a body to be exploited for his own pleasure in his glances and in his thoughts. And this can happen even when the woman is not around at all, for he can still make contact with her body to exploit her for his own sexual satisfaction in his memory and in his imagination. This is crass utilitarianism – a far cry from authentic love.
In summary, John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be "raw material" for the development of true love. But this yearning for the sexual value of the body must be supplemented by other nobler elements of love, such as good will, friendship, virtue, total commitment, and self-giving love (themes to be discussed in subsequent articles). If sensuality is not carefully integrated with these higher elements of love, sensual desire will be harmful for a relationship. In fact, it can destroy love between a man and woman, and it can even prevent love from ever developing between a man and a woman.
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